That itchy spot in your brain

'Cause baby, something in you is dying...

oh my dog.

I am in some serious dog shit. I don't mean it the way it sounds. I'm talking about a real dog, and some real shit.

Here is the story. Please read it through. This is serious, but I need for you to understand the connections that we all have to this...


I am in the middle of an actual dog emergency, and so, in a despearate attempt to find out about desperate measures, I Google 'The Dog Whisperer.' THE Dog Whisperer. Cesar Milan. Renown Expert. The guy who we've all seen and were secretly amazed at, effortlessley (and more poignantly, Legitimately), turns vicious pitbulls into whipped sappy love pooches. This guy has done some impressive stunts, and despite it being so easy to poke fun of his charactature, we've all seen it.
So, I know this dog, and this is a desperate situation. This dog is going to be put down if it can't get its shit together. It is so fear aggressive from abuse that it seems impossible to break the sad ingrain that early mistreatment imprints.

so.. long story short and less 'hopeless' and more 'hopeful' (hopefully)

Cesar's website is complete consumer candy. Fuck. Its all animal planet pimped out, online store and quizzes and interactive advice. An ad reads "Dear Vet, my dog vomits on occassion, can you help? " Fuckk. I need this to be serious. Its not taking me serious. I read for the upcoming episode:

yellow Lab Harley makes a habit of jumping on and attempting to mount his owner and responds to any correction with play behavior. Can Cesar calm this revved-up Harley?

Then Cesar helps socialize an anxious Australian Shepherd and a Weimaraner who is a black hole for food.



responds to correctiong with play behavior?? An obese Weimaraner? These are our dog problem!? Where did the bad dogs go, the hopeless cases, the Michael Vic survivors who's story is like Rocky in dog version and actually inspires you? You all know what I'm talking about. "These dogs have rough upbringings man, and they like, get a second chance ya know? "
We can all relate to that one way or another. These stories are amazing, and thus the Dog Whisper title, and not Biggest Loser: Hungry Labrador edition. This stuff was once legit.

Did Cesar Milan sell out?
He has done a lot, he wrote a book and you know that shit was on Opera and is in at least 1 out of every 3 surbuban houses nationwide, additionally he is like Jada Pinkett Smith's doggy playdate friend ( her former/current trainer, but shit they are actually like tight ya know?), and he's even been made fun of on South Park. This guy is a legend.

So now...
when things are actuall serious. I am hoping one day this dog can be around and healed up enough to have a case of the chubbies and the playful humps. If only those were her problems! This is life or death, and that shit is just kinda keep me up right now at this late hour. This hit me.
We all know someone who has a bomb ass shelter helter mixed breed second chancer that everyone loves. Those second chancers. The seconds from death row stories. The little Oliver Twist orphan punk who just got lucky or even rode out on that sly and unimaginably overwining sly wink or sparkle in the eye. The melt our hearts, right? The little tom sawyers and huckleberry finns of the canine world. The ragedy ann puppet dogs that just have that fur disguised wink of fierce intelligence. The coy of a true fox, and the wisdom of a wolf. Even in ridiculous costumes of fluffy fur or fluffball hairdos. We see those big watery eyes and there is something more than just that effective "youve got steak and i know you really wann give me steak beg. " They are masters of both.

Not to get off topic. But there is a reason Cesar Milan's website has gone Soccer Mom. We love our dogs with popular demand. They are definitely in the human hierarchy of society, and they are not even our species. They often substitute as people's children.

So...since we love them so much, we need to remind ourselves to continue to help with behavor issues in unwanted shelter dogs that Cesar started to bring attention to. So many are fixable. He wowed and amazed us all with that. He made it look simple. It is, it turns out. We be people and they be dogs and we respect and affectionate appropriately. We live harmoniously.

Help me save this dog. I cannot think of her as a lost cause. She is a sweetheart fearful rattlesnake pup and she has not know any better. It has been her survival to toughen up. We can help her be a dog, and we be humans, and live together harmoniously. I want her to live. I want her to get old and fat and get caught with her paws in the cookie jar. I want her to carry on some of old sly fox of a pooch, Roxy, who has never lost that fiery intelligence that allows her to pick locks and bake apple pie. That dog is amazingly smart, and she has never lost the complete overshwelming enthusium for all humans. She smiles at you and wags her tail to the beat of your drunkenly cooing words. Roxy, everybody loves Roxy and she loves you back, yet she'll pour you one too many and kick your ass in poker. Which by I mean steals the pizza off the counter, takes herself for a walk, and comes back just after you start to worry, and looking for quick love pats from everyone as if she didn't know she wasn't a human.

Roxy was a pathetic 2 time return to the shelter. Not once, but twice. And this day, she is bombass. She rules.

I know this dog has that somewhere in her. It is not her fault some enormous douche had to sink so low as to mistreat a dog. It is not her fault she was a victim of inhumane devolution troglodyte. She deserves a second chance.



(woww, I don't even have lots of dog interests on my page, but when I went to facecbook to fetch the picture you are about to see, I saw this Ad on the right side (you know the ones that sometimes cheat by looking at your interests and so always seem a tad creepily on target?)

'Virtually foster real dogs who need your help now. Share them with friends and help them find happy homes.